He slept with me and now wants to be friends, why? Most men never say what they secretly want in a woman. But what they really want from a woman is simpler than you think.
It can be unnerving when someone you like and have shared an intimate encounter surprises you with an unexpected “I just want us to be friends”. It shatters your expectations, hopes, and assumptions when you two are not on the same page.
He slept with me and now wants to be friends
First, you need to embrace the importance of setting standards for your life and minding those you allow in it.
Get yourself to acknowledge the fact
You probably have many questions for yourself. But first, him sleeping with you and wanting to be friends may be the inner narrative that replays in your head.
How did it get there?
How did you let it happen?
Are you not valuable for a relationship?
To answer these questions, you need to acknowledge the fact that although he slept with you, you also did the same. You willingly participated in the act, but thought “he had a thing for me”.
Now, answer these questions:
Were you ever exclusive with him before the intimacy?
Did he promise exclusiveness after sex?
Did you merely assume that intimacy is the only way to get you both exclusive?
Be honest when providing these answers. But if you believe he was on the same page as you going intimate, he probably pulled a switch on you, and you have the right to think he played you, toyed with your emotions, and duped you.
Were you two casually dating or just friends before he slept with you?
If you were just friends or casually dating, you gambled with your decision to let him in, and he has the right to want to be friends with you again since there was no prior commitment.
Remember that the intimacy was not contractual, meaning that he does not owe anything to you after sleeping with you.
However, if you entered an intimacy contract with them, they owe you an explanation if sleeping with you would lead the relationship to a more exclusive status.
After acknowledging the fact, talk to him. Open up and advocate for yourself. If communicating with him only pushes him away, then he is not the man for you. Don’t also try to mess with his head.
Examine your behavior and expectations
If he just wants to be friends after sleeping with you, examine your behavior and expectations. Perhaps, you expected a more serious relationship, only to be disappointed after sleeping with him.
If he is a new man you just met, think about this: research shows men take about 88 days to tell their partner they love them, compared to a woman’s 134 days. Perhaps, your expectations are coming in too early and he is trying to make this decision himself.
Generally, however, it could take between 6 months and 1 year to get to know someone you just met. Sleeping with him does not mean they want the same thing. Besides, some men have really casual attitudes about sex, while others take it more seriously.
Get to know what you want, and assess him and situations to see if there is a chance they could be on the same page as you. Allow patience a chance and maintain a courtesy attitude, tolerance, respect, and love.
Call it a mistake
The intimacy obviously happened without clear parameters. So, you merely hooked up in a moment of passion, had an intimate encounter, and shared experience but not expectations.
Having intimacy is a physical activity and has a strong emotional overlay, especially for women. In your case, you thought about it as the beginning of a commitment but he saw it as “no big deal”.
You probably also had no verbal communication, so you made assumptions without knowing his own expectations. Would you agree that you did not wait long enough to understand his expectations? You probably didn’t, giving him the room to look at the encounter as casual.
Unfortunately, sleeping with him is fait accompli—you are left to deal with the disappointment due to the differences in your expectations.
It is quite hard to move from a sexual relationship to a “just friends”, and you may experience the feeling of rejection after he “friends” you. There’s nothing inherently wrong with changing the status of the relationship with you, but it’s difficult for you to cope with it.
Don’t force things
It can be challenging to make him want what you want. Let him be. If he’s for you, he’ll return to build the relationship as naturally as possible.
He may not be interested in a serious relationship but prefers a friendship level. Perhaps, he’d rethink the whole thing in a short time and get back to you. When you are friends with benefits to someone, with time, your feelings grow so much and deeply for them.
You need to embrace the reality that you can’t change him or control the process of the relationship.
Accommodate his request and reconcile with your feelings
It could be both painful and a good decision to move from an intimate encounter to being friends.
When you learn about his request to be friends after sleeping with you, try to be mindful of their feelings.
It is equally important to examine your feelings. You are either relieved, content, or disappointed by his request. Try to reflect on your feelings to be able to move forward.
Do not immediately respond to his demands. Give it some time because your immediate reaction may be different from how you truly feel. When you know how you feel about him wanting just to be friends, share your desire and boundaries.
Share with him if you feel content, relieved, or disappointed. Also, create and share your new boundaries in the friendship with him, such as not having in-person contact like what led to the previous intimate encounter. Be direct and clear when setting your boundaries.
Go slowly and easy on yourself
You learn many lessons in dating and relationships, and an important aspect is to take things slowly.
You want to slow down or cut off any physical intimacy with him. Understand that you may have misinterpreted the meaning behind your initial intimate connection, which he leveraged to sleep with you and now wants to be friends.
Perhaps, it was too soon for you to think sleeping with him makes you a couple, shows he really likes you, or he is making a commitment.
When you get physically bonded before the emotional bond, expect a possible disappointment such as him feeling differently than you.
Just reevaluate the intimacy and slow down towards it. Intimacy is not limited to having a physical encounter. You could be intimate with him by being thoughtful and caring, sharing secret experiences, flirting and being mysterious, and more. These approaches bring you closer to him by building a stronger emotional bond than the physical attachment.
Finally, it is not advisable to talk someone into anything they don’t want. If he wants to be friends instead of lovers, that’s a pretty clear statement, not of rejection, but of his expectations.
The truth: you are better off looking for someone who shares your expectations. That person is out there, but don’t repeat the same mistake again.
See your experience as an opportunity to learn and grow from them. With this, you can learn what you want to do differently next time.